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Swirling with Christelyn Karazin

The art of attraction isn't just about colour or creed, it's about chemistry and a whole bunch of other things. Swirling author Christelyn Karazon discusses.

QOTW: My Daughter's Father Doesn't Want Her to Like Non-Black Boys

Posted by Christelyn, 08 Mar

I received this note from a fan…

Hi Christelyn! I need some advice…So I have a 6-year-old daughter & we live in a majority white community. I love it. Anyway, a little white boy has a crush on her (their first kindergarten crush! It’s harmless & cute lol). Her dad (my ex) AND my dad found out because he gave her chocolates & drew a picture of them for Valentine’s Day. They have started “grooming” her for black love & telling her to stay away from white boys. Her dad even told her that she’s going to grow up & marry a black man like him (mind you this man isn’t even married with 2 kids by 2 different women). I was pissed. I explained to her that she can marry any man that loves her & takes good care of her. Listen, she’s only SIX and they’re trying to groom my daughter to stick to black love. Now, she’s just a child, but I’m sick of how black men indoctrinate black women and little black girls to stay in this toxic culture. I joined the pink pill for her because one day when she’s older I want her to understand that she has options. I married a black man, however, I don’t want her to limit her options like I did while dating. I love my dad & she has a great dad so I’m not going to cut them off. What can I do to stop this? They are standing strong in their beliefs.

Then she offered a little bit more background…

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I wanted to add a little more information for context. My dad has two children…my older brother & me. Before I left for college my dad specifically told me “don’t bring no white boy home” since I went to a PWI. My brother is with a white woman & they have 3 little boys. The family accepted her immediately. I have been resentful for a long time because of that double standard. Also, her dad has another child with a Mexican girl. I remember telling him once “I thought you were so pro-black love” & he explained that Mexicans are people of color who share our struggle too. I was so confused about that… I should’ve taken the pink pill a long time ago lol

Here’s my take…

The conditioning to only desire, date and aspire to marry black men starts early. It’s one of the reasons why black women have and continue to be resistant to the idea of interracial dating, despite the acknowledgment black boys and men date, mate and marry whomever they please. The double standard is so incredibly glaring.
The conditioning of this normalcy of hypocrisy begins so early in our young girls’ lives that it is often not questioned. A father, whose daughter seeks his love and approval, does not immediately question his desire to hamstring her romantic options while she goes to a predominately white institution. We often never even ask the question…”Why is my father warning me away from a young man that could potentially love and cherish me, while I watch non-black girls date whomever they want and get a head start on marriage prospects? Why does my father not acknowledge that the very men he is forcing me to stay loyal to are dating and mating interracially at double the rate that black women, and express no such reciprocal loyalty towards me?”
We don’t question it because of the incident that happened above. I often wonder…do fathers like this really love their daughters? Because my father would have NEVER ordered me to only date black men. He wanted me to find a man who loved and cherished me, regardless of race. How can you say you love a child that you are grooming to be another sacrifice for the black community? Why can’t this father be happy that his little girl is being loved and admired by a nice little boy?
How can loving fathers of black daughters be so incredibly selfish, knowing full well what lays ahead for them?
My advice to the mother is this: You tell your daughter in no uncertain terms that she is free to like or love any boy that respects her, thinks she’s beautiful, and treats her kindly, NO MATTER WTF COLOR HE IS. If you have to keep valentine’s gift and chocolates away from that bigoted father, DO IT. Bigotry and deliberate sabotage of your baby ’s relationship choices trump his fragile, hypocritical ego. Simply do not discuss these issues with him. He is wrong, and what he is doing is damaging to your daughter’s psyche. Do what you need to do to prevent your daughter from being offered up as another sacrifice at the altar of black male worship.

Christelyn Karazin is the co-author of Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate, Mixing Race, Culture and Creed. She also operates the popular blog, Beyond Black & White, and operate the first forum dedicated to black women interested and/or involved in interracial relationships.