The art of attraction isn't just about colour or creed, it's about chemistry and a whole bunch of other things. Swirling author Christelyn Karazon discusses.
The New Mandate: Black Women MUST Consider Swirling!!
Longtime Newsweek writer, Ellis Cose might just have stepped in a big old pile of doo-doo. Finally, and educated BLACK MAN has joined the chorus with Ralph Richard Banks (Is Marriage for White People?) to call it how he sees it. In his piece, "The Black Gender Gap," Cose reports that black women are out-performing black men in both education and the workplace. And while men like Tyler Perry and Steve Harvey are writing books and producing movies to continue to brainwash highly educated and career-oriented black women to give their plumbers, gardeners and the ex-con at the corner a chance, the din of the zombie mantra, "lower your standards" is slowly quieting, as more and more black women consider what once seemed impossible, improbable and unfathomable. In short, the success of the black woman and the lack of it from the black man has brought up a serious dilemma--is it time for black women as a collective to give ALL races of men a chance?
But that quest brings with it a host of questions--some whispered, some loudly (even anxiously) debated. Is this new black woman finally crashing through the double ceiling of race and gender? Or is she leaping into treacherous waters that will leave her stranded, unfulfilled, childless and alone? Can she thrive if her brother does not, if the black man succumbs, as hundreds of thousands already have, to the hopelessness of prison and the streets? Can she--dare she--thrive without the black man, finding happiness across the racial aisle? Or will she, out of compassion, loneliness or racial loyalty "settle" for men who--educationally, economically, professionally--are several steps beneath her?
Let's examine this quote, shall we? Cose asks the question, "Can [the black woman] thrive if her brother does not?" HAYELL YESS!!! Black women have been and continue to be asked (no; nearly forced) to be the mules of the race--to sacrifice, bear, suffer long, be patient, give, give some more, bear some more, accept, and deny for...oh...two centuries!! Are we never to know even a slip of happiness? Are we never to be allowed to be loved and cherished by a man on of our same station? Will the betterment of "the race" always, ALWAYS trump the peace, happiness and well-being of the individual?
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I say all this not encourage black women to abdicate their blackness. To do so would be impossible. Just because you open your dating options to ALL races of men, doesn't mean you somehow become less black. You will, and always will be BLACK. But your blackness should not be your yoke and your chain, attached to an increasing parasitic community that takes more than it gives. If you are shackled, consider yourself a freewoman. Today is Juneteenth.
And if you are the successful woman like Mr. Cose describes and you're still getting flack from black men and women who want you to command you to to sacrifice, bear, suffer long, be patient, give, give some more, bear some more, accept, and deny, I want you to stop and consider what might be the motives of such an individual, knowing full well, like you, that the sky is blue, all while they continue to insist it is brown with silver sparkles.
Twenty-five percent of young black males go to college; 35 percent of women do. Only 13.5 percent of young black females are high-school dropouts; more than 17 percent of young black men are. The notion that college was a place to find a man has slowly given way to the conviction that decent, educated black men are rarer, to borrow Shakespeare's words, than pearls in beauteous ladies' eyes.
Someone might say, "I'm offended!! There ARE good black men out there!!" Listen ya'll, I AGREE. There are. But NOT ENOUGH. Stop putting all the responsibility on black women to look under every rock, crevice, glacier, and canyon to find those men. If they come, GREAT. If they don't, don't you DARE begrudge a woman for pursuing her GOD GIVEN RIGHT to have a loving partner, equally stationed, who will be a loyal and committed father to her children. HOW DARE YOU TELL BLACK WOMEN OTHERWISE? How DARE you supposed Guardians of All Things Dark and Lovely begrudge a black woman--whom you swear to love--from finding happiness with a man who is going to be good TO and FOR her? Is it because it is anathema to your own, self-serving agenda? Again ladies, always consider the source when someone has the NERVE to tell you how you should live your life.
And the reason why Mr. Cose and Professor Banks say what they say is the same reason I wrote SWIRLING: How to Date, Mate and Relate, Mixing Race, Culture and Creed. I am tired of seeing my sisters pining and whining, looking on the sidelines as others prosper and become fulfilled. Like every other race of women, we deserve an EQUAL OPPORTUNITY for love and happiness.
Cose continues...
Underappreciated by black men, many black women are looking elsewhere. Connie Rice, a Los Angeles civil-rights attorney and Radcliffe graduate, puts it plainly: "If you have to have the same race, your choices are limited." For years, there has been a general assumption that while black men were comfortable dating white women, black women (for many reasons, some having to do with exploitation dating back to the time of slavery) generally steered clear of white men. Certainly, statistics show that interracial black-white unions, while relatively rare, have been much more common between black men and white women. But the marriage statistics are shifting. And if unpublished research by Tucker and her colleagues is any indication, the dating wall of Jericho is tumbling. In a survey of residents of 21 cities, Tucker & Co. found that 78 percent of black men (average age: 32) had dated interracially at least once, as had 53 percent of black women (average age: 34).
But of course, there will always be those left behind and left alone. A woman in my book who is in her fifties--beautiful, smart, accomplished, has made the decision to NEVER consider dating outside her race. She admits that black men have hurt her deeply, but her love and adoration is steadfast. She also acknowledges that many non-black men have expressed an interest in the past, but she has never taken them seriously. At middle-age, the woman looks to the latter half of her life, fearful of living and dying alone because she has yet to meet that magical black unicorn she seeks, all the while passing up potential quality non-black men. That is her choice, and I'll not talk her out of it. But I have to ask, do you want this to be you?
I'll ask again. Do you want this to be YOU??
Remember that parable about the drowning man who asked God to save him, but passed up the dingy, the ferry, the ship, the seal, the whale, the whatever that could have delivered him to safety, and then when he died and asked why God didn't save him, God told him that he sent the dingy, the ferry, the ship, the seal, the whale and he was just too bull-headed to see that God sends help in a variety of packages?
Yeh...that.
Think about it. Here's your dingy. Your ferry. Your ship. Your seal. Your whale. What are you gonna do now?
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20 responses to "The New Mandate: Black Women MUST Consider Swirling!!"
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Wonderwoman1 says:Posted: 15 Oct 13Articles like this makes me sick. Black people are still hating Black people, but they desperately want the love of another race. The hate and disrespect this author shows towards Black men breaks my heart. She seemed to think of Black men as lower, lesser, parasites with a propensity for crime. I'm sorry, but any man with a small amount of common sense would stay away from that angry pit bull. Wake up people! You can find love beyond race without hating or disrespecting your race. Before Black women were thriving, did their "lesser station" mean they were any less worthy to be loved by any man of a "higher station"? Are we now validating a caste system that held us back for centuries? Are we to look at White men as a stepping stone to economic prosperity? Is the White truck driver, construction worker or plumber less worthy of our love too? These limiting beliefs are the shackles we all need to be free from. I don't know about this author, but I have family members from all stations in life. I cherish and respect them all. Most people are out here looking for a mate who shares their values and their sensibilities, that's all. That lesser stationed Black plumber or White plumber may just be that dingy ferry God sent to save you from yourself. By the way, a person's station in life is not his or her destiny forever. If God is not a respecter of persons, maybe we should take a hint. You are not all of that because you now have a little piece of paper called a degree granted to you by human beings. In this day and age people do not need any reason to date interracially. I hope we don't have any more of these hateful articles. May God's peace be with all.
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dave_74 says:Posted: 25 Oct 13@Wonderwoman1, I really liked your comment. Not how it started but progressively got very good, especially how you summed it up "In this day and age people do not need any reason to date inter racially." I couldn't agree more. I see a lot of these articles , where people are looking for justification. Does love really need such justifications?
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rachybaby says:Posted: 08 Apr 14Well, I liked ALL of your comment. How could I not like ALL of it when it's the truth. Is it the truth for everyone? No. But, how does that saying go?...If it doesn't apply to you then you don't need to worry about it (this means you dave_74). Anyway, good job, very well said. Couldn't have said it better myself.
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nenekidd says:Posted: 21 Jul 14
Wow I didn't read your comments until I scrolled down. Of course myself as a black beautiful older woman will not discredit the black man,I have three handsome sons and three beautiful daughter the last one biracial. I said in a comment early if the white man like what he see we may get together that goes for a brother also but you don't know who God has planned for you,no matter what color he is if its not right then you blame the color why not blame the man, we need to be equally yoked that's in the bible and if my yoke is of a different flavor so be it.
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WM4Ebony says:Posted: 25 Sep 15
nenekidd.....being that we reside in the same area?.....maybe we should get to know each other a bit better.....find out if we could enjoy each other's company......
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jod212 says:Posted: 30 Sep 13
I must commend you all, especially arlandf for always laying out your thoughts and experiences. Your commentary is very. Inciteful and thought provoking even for a woman of my age and experience. Sadly, the history of this country has left Black people very damaged while the majority of people of African decent who live outside of the USA scratch their collective heads wondering why we have these conversations. I am an Archaeologist via education but work in healthcare as a technician. I have a co-worker and friend from Africa who is a doctor and her husband own's 3 New York City taxi cabs (each are valued in the hundreds of thousands of dollars) as well as a gas station. He has recently stopped driving and spends most of his time overseeing the station's management (no suprise there, with the price of gas!) While 2 cousin's who were out of work keep his cab on the street and profitable. My point is she is in what we consider a higher status in this country than her husband because he is not learnered yet she is. The beauty in their relationship is they love, support and accept each other and understand one major fact; they are both working and that work does not define them or their relationship. Their love surpasses our cultural BS and they have each other. They have opened my eye's to the shallowness of western society....food for thought folks.
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lovingstar says:Posted: 27 Sep 13By the way, for those who need a little help with dating advice (e.g. WhatUrLookn4). I sincerely suggest checking out Matthew Hussey's book, "Get The Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You Deserve." The author of this article, Ms. Christelyn, interviewed him on her blog. Their collaboration convinced me to seek out and purchase these books. Food for thought.
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lovingstar says:Posted: 27 Sep 13
This article is kind of a wake up call. I really don't want to be the middle-aged, successful and single woman all because I would like to have a "magical black unicorn." Sigh...truth be told interesting points have been made in this article. Seriously ladies, aren't you tired of hearing this from new friends when they say, "you're so cool and amazing, I can't believe your not married...YET." It's that darn "magical black unicorn"! Keeping hope alive. LMAO.
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arlandf says:Posted: 26 Sep 13Christelyn, again, I disagree. In my opinion, black women should consider interracial dating because they have a collective lack of respect for black men. Black women who talk about they are loyal to black men are full of BS. If a white man approach them, they would jump right on it. However, they are not choosing black women like they are choosing the Asian woman or the Latinas. Other races of men isn't choosing black women like they are the white or Asian woman. The only race that are choosing them at a high rate is black men, but because of the lack of respect for black men many of them either have to be selective in the black women they date or just date out., especially if he has money. Now you are right, there are a lot of black men that are no good. However, many black women choose them over quality men. If you are a black woman that has something going for yourself not only in education and employment, but in no OOW children, no weight issues, etc, you could consider interracial dating if that is what you want. As for this education argument, first off I am in college working on a Mass Communication degree with a minor in Journalism. In addition, I go to a Historical Black College and University. I see black men get passed up because they are not Kappas, Alphas, Ques, ball players, or don't have money because they invest more in their education than foolishness. When I was at a community college. I saw the same thing but the white men didn't have a problem with getting the attention of white women. Now when these black men have reached their goals. these same black women want them however the black men moved on to other women whether black or of another race. Also, I am not downplaying degrees but, all a degree tells you that you spent X numbers of years in college. It doesn't guarantee you a job, wealth, or knowledge. I have a co worker who has a bachelors degree from East Carolina University, she does the same thing that I do and get paid the same as me who has an associates degree. With calling dating plumbers and gardeners dating down, many of these plumbers and gardeners have their own business, which means that they are not subject to layoffs or firings. However, they don't get the support they need because black people as a collective want free service, rather let other races fix their stuff, or many has jealousy because they didn't came up with the idea so they will bad mouth people who have a business. My thing is that, If you want to date outside or recommend dating outside the race have at it. However, this so called education and doing better than black men needs to stop. In reality, neither one of us are doing better than the other. Unless black women can create another Black Wall Street instead of putting money into the Koreans for hair care, they haven't done anything. Finally, because many have more respect for a white man from a southern redneck to a politician, I recommend that they date a white man. It will save progressive black men from a lot of trouble.
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UntaintedGem says:Posted: 03 Oct 13
@arlandf, are you a progressive black man?
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xxsorbetxx says:Posted: 19 Oct 13Did you read what you typed before you posted, my eye-roll seriously nearly got stuck at the back of my head right from the get go of reading what you had to say. Black women should consider interracial dating because of their collective lack of respect for Black men? If they sound anything like you then quite frankly i doubt you deserve respect. Like i cannot even go through all the bull you said was just awful because i would honestly end up writing a book, and you do not deserve all that effort from me. You talk as though 'us Black women' should count ourselves lucky that Black men give us 'the most attention' (according to you) because we hardly getting it from anywhere else, like seriously offensive much and highly presumptuous might i add, you cannot even claim to know seeing as you are not a Black female hence no first hand experience. I can tell you, that is utter nonsense, as a Black female and living proof, i get attention from all races, more so from non Black men but guess what.... i have dated more Black men than other races, not out of preference either, i date all and have no racial preference. Just so happens i was in a setting where i could get to know a Black guy more, and my encounters with non Black males were mostly in a setting where it would be a brief passing so most it would be is eye contact and smiling. Anyway a general trend i have noticed in African men, they can be selfish, thoughtless, disrespectful and highly set in their way. You want to talk of respect but you come off utterly disrespectful. Perhaps you may not get respected because you clearly show none whatsoever. Everyone has their standards and you can bet i have mine and no matter what race you are you are not exempt from it so that cheek about 'as soon as white man approach man approach them they would jump right on it' is a despicable thing to say, don't judge a Black woman who dates a White male if she finds he respects her and has prospects, over dating a Black guy who she finds does not respects her values and is may not being productive with their lives. You also then go ahead and condemn the Black women who are dating Black men who are not being productive with their lives. And what do you know about our hairdos, talking about Koreans, like someone has never heard of Brazilian and Indian and few others to know where authentic hair used mostly comes from. Prospects is one thing but it will not land you a real loving relationship if you cannot humble yourself and show love respect and mutual understanding ... you know that 'selfish, thoughtless, disrespectful and highly set in their way' thing i spoke about up there.
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blackbelle01 says:Posted: 06 Sep 15
Wow you sound so bitter. Most BW don't have a problem dating WM. The first IR relationships were between BW and WM and lets not forget Loving vs Virginia the two people who were IR married and made it legal for everyone was a BW and and WM.
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Wow very interesting, I enjoyed the article and yes I will date a white man because ,I am in my later years and if the older white man likes what he see and love me for me ,forget the myths. I want to be loved and cared for and if someone of non color want the same and we "hook" up ,makuna ma ta ta hey what a wonderful thing.
I think EVERYONE should consider swirling!