Black Men Asian Women

Iris & Ray -
United States - Philippines

Engaged December 2011

From a Cup of Coffee to an Engagement Ring

Iris, a former member of our site, tells a tale of online romance turned real-life love that might be encouraging if you’ve lost hope that your match is really out there.

It all started with her signing up, of course. Iris decided to join our site for reasons many successful women can relate to. “I felt that my makeup as a woman—grad school, high salary, independent—was intimidating the men around me, preventing them from giving me a chance and trying to get to know me,” she explains.

Iris is quite candid about the outcome of her past relationships. “I had a lot of failed potential relationships and botched chances with guys I met through Facebook, poetry forums, etc.” She says she wasn’t brimming with confidence when she posted her profile. “But I gave it a chance because I figured maybe a straightforward dating site will have more honest people!”

For Iris, another benefit of online dating was control over the process of getting to know guys. “I wanted a place where I could be anonymous and reveal parts of myself a little at a time, in the order and pace that I wanted,” she explains.

Ray was still healing the scars of heartbreak and disappointment that failed relationships had left him with. Iris informs us that the issue for Ray usually came down to incompatible goals. “He had his heart broken a few times, by attractive women who were willing to commit to some extent but basically weren’t looking to build the kind of lasting relationship he wanted.”

Given those setbacks, false starts and sad farewells, Ray came to us with less than total confidence. “He wasn't expecting much but he really wanted to find love, so he was exploring all options,” Iris reports. “He was a paying member for about a month… then he found me.”

Actually, it sounds like she found him. Just two weeks in, Iris was still a newly minted member when she sent Ray a “cup of coffee” Flirt. It was only a few minutes before Ray’s chat request came in.

“I thought he was such a sweet and sensitive man that I had a lot of things in common with,” Iris says of her first impression. “He told me that he thought I was beautiful, classy and easy to talk to.”

Communicating over the course of a couple of days, Iris sensed “a really strong connection” forming in a very short period of time. The feeling was mutual. “He didn’t want to waste time because something told him we could have something really special,” Iris says. “He was pleasantly surprised that two people with such different backgrounds and a discrepancy in age (we are 10 years apart) could agree on so many things.”

In fact, Ray felt so strongly about Iris and what they shared that he decided to shell out for a plane ticket to meet in person. This impressed Iris tremendously. “I said to myself, ‘Wow, he really flew 8 thousand miles and spent all that money just to be with me,’” she recalls.

Their first date was a delight. “I don’t know how to ride a bike, but I’ve always loved to watch kids biking. So I always told people that I wanted to marry a man who knows how to ride a bike. On our first chat, the first question I ever asked Ray was, ‘What do you do for fun?’ and his response was, ‘I ride my bike around the city.’”

So Iris learned how to ride a bike so she could share this pastime with her man. After this experience, both parties were certain they’d see each other again, and soon. “None of his pictures showed him smiling, but I found out he was a really funny and easygoing person,” Iris notes. It’s fortunate Ray’s personality could overcome this common mistake made especially often by men. People often forget that smiling makes you more approachable, even if it looks a little less “cool.”

Iris and Ray didn’t entirely match each other’s preferences on paper but, the more they got to know each other, the less it seemed to matter. “He is way taller than the limit I imposed on men I would consider dating,” Iris admits. “But everything about his personality is perfect for me.”

Ray didn’t know it was Iris he was looking for, either. “At first, he thought he wanted a more ‘Western’ woman for his life partner,” she says. “But he says he realized that my personality was better than what he thought he wanted.”

So what if their relationship wasn’t exactly what they expected? Over time, Ray and Iris began to realize they couldn’t imagine themselves with anyone else. One day Ray decided to make an honest woman out of Iris. “He asked me for permission to propose to me in front of my parents, and made me promise that when he did, I would say ‘yes’!” she laughs.

To say that finding love has made a big impact on Iris would be putting it lightly. “I can’t imagine life without this man anymore,” she says. “Everything I ever prioritized in life feels inferior now that I have this purpose.”

Ray told Iris that his past makes more sense now that love has given him a new perspective on everything. Having learned to love life like never before, he’s a happier person and the people close to him have noticed the change. “His siblings and other relatives can see it,” Iris says.

Now that she’s made it to the end of the grueling marathon being single can be, Iris has had the opportunity to reflect on lessons learned along the way. “I think as long as you’re honest about your needs and keep yourself open to all possibilities, the best kind of love will find you,” she says. “Some people think that online dating would make them look desperate, and they would only find similarly desperate people. But real people like you and I are on these sites! People who have dreams and careers and valid, more-than-stereotypical reasons for wanting to reach out in this way. You just have to give them, and yourself, a chance.”

We want to thank Iris for sharing this advice—and her wonderful story—with our membership.

Click here to read more inspiring interracial couples stories.